What was that?

Jack Black the unfunniest host ever on the 10 seconds of the MTV Video Awards I watched. Al Gore got more laughs.

MTV does runs a great marketing machine. The boys from Jackass are trotted out as presenters to hype their new, highly evolved, Jackass #2, project...the Killers close the show because they have a new record coming out and "Puffy" is now "Diddy". I'd have more to say but I couldn't stomach the spectacle for more than a few tidbits (they also trotted out the little girl from "Little Miss Sunshine", it opens Friday)...

Is anyone waiting as breathlessly as I am for the next J Lo project....

All in all, a wretched marketing/branding spectacle, foisted once again, on the braindead youth of America...and Justin Timberlake is bringing back some sort of "Sexy" concept, the little twirp...the machine keeps printing money...

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Ryan Star

Just watched one of my favorite trash t.v. shows, Rock Star Supernova, where my man Ryan Star was chucked off in favor of some lesser...and certainly less committed talents. This will probably turn out to be a good deal for Ryan given that Supernova's overcooked-retro grooves will ulimately have little if any chart impact....but I do, albeit guiltily, enjoy the show...
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Hurry-up an say it....

The South Park guys were gloating that that Saddam Hussein's guards were repeatedly making him watch his portrayal in their movie...they should just be glad somebody saw the film...

Everybody but the Boulder District Attorney could see that Karr dude was a deluded sack of terds, just a real sick puppy looking for attention...totally guilty yet totally innocent...of this one...

Didn't watch the Emmys but I hear
they had some funny moments...like Kiefer Sutherland winning best actor...

Deadwood is over...ouch...

Sox are over and Big Papi is ailing...double ouch...
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Welcome AEOWOLF ONLINE

Check out our new tenant. He has great taste in templates, is somewhat of a wise-ass, is a proud "Midlander", and is a lefty like myself. What's not to love? Click on his thumbnail in the sidebar and make everyone happy.
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Do you know how fast you were going?

Ever wonder what church or civic groups that state trooper who is writing you that well deserved ticket belongs to? Well I stumbled across this story out of Nebraska. Trooper Henderson got himself fired for being an active member of the KKK. Freedom of speech you say, he's a sympathetic character because his wife left him for a "minority" individual you might add...or he is the answer to that age old question...who is this Nazi f*#*k who's writing me up. Good photo too.

Oh, the courts say he could be back protecting middle America soon...
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A quick drain of the hot tub...

Gotta make this quick (an impossible task on my hyper-fast dial-up connection here at the bunker) as I ready my crack team of horseplayers for an afternoon at the "jewel of American horseracing", Saratoga....

My recent, informal hut tub poll seems to indicate strong public sentiment in favor of me soaking my chestnuts in the frothy, pleasure bucket, sans alcohol or hookers...we'll see....

I will not watch any Red Sox baseball until they evidence a sustained desire to compete and not walk every putz in a Yankee uniform, which at this point would include several parking attendants and a batboy...

Props to Jon Stewart who is just hammering my man G.W., just unmerciful, funny stuff...

Discovered a series of tunnels under my driveway. Excavation reveals the handiwork of a large woodchuck or tiny Al Qaeda operative more later...

Wish us luck,
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Tom Cruise...Ta-Ta

Tom we had to let you go. Your behavior has gone off-the-charts-weird, you are the biggest member of a religious cult based on the contrived bullshit of a two-bit sci-fi writer...kinda like forming a religion around some half-baked Stephen King novel...

Your whole, I'm gonna marry the girl soon thing, is starting to smell like Michael Jackson's sham marriage to Lisa Marie Presley. When an evil old fossil like Summer Redstone is more frightened of your behavior and demands than attracted to the box office bucks you can generate, then you know it must be bad, real bad...

So Ta-ta, farewell and I can only hope that someday, somehow, I don't run into you in some sad, deserted hotel hot tub on the Vegas Strip, bathing amidst the bizarre, bubbling debris of our former lives.
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Hot Tub...

A lifestyle question. My in-laws are having a hot tub installed at their Jersey estate. I told my sister-in-law I wasn't a "hot tub guy", which I define as being a fella in his one-size too small black speedo, drinking a mojito, smoking a cigar, up to his neck in bubbling water accompanied by two hookers from Altantic City. Am I right about this?
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Don Vito gone bad....

I hate what MTV has become. Check out their latest "reality" show, "Meet the Gropers".

Watch Fuse.
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Smoke this....

If I had a gallbladder it would be barking at this stuff...

Anyone with half a brain could see "Snakes on a Plane" was a total piece of crap. Unfortunately the hype in the blogospere didn't translate into boffo box office, so a nice marketing story goes kaput because the movie didn't deliver.

Mayor Mike Bloomberg is donating $125 million of his own cash to fight cigarette smoking worldwide. Doesn't Mike have better things to do with his $$$, the homless still litter our streets, the Indian Point Nuke Plant could use a couple more rent-a-cops, the trees in the city are looking a little shabby (see Chicago) and Mike is out to outlaw freedom of choice? I ain't no smoker but let's move on Mikey.

On a similar front Brit Television station, Boomerang, is editing out smoking scenes from old Tom & Jerry cartoons to protect the wee ones.

Have we had enough JonBenet stuff. Heroic Americans are dying everyday in Iraq and Afganistan and yet we have world-class reporters lurking on trans-Atlantic flights monitoring some attention starved pedophile's bowel movements and alchohol intake. (I personally recommend a PBR when celebrating my arrest on any type of childsex crime) The guy, Karr, is obvously innocent. One look at this guy with his Mr. Rogers high-waters and creepy eye make-up and you know the kid would have kicked his sorry ass.
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A moment of silence please...

The "Collar" is officially silent today to commemorate the passing of this year's Red Sox.
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Sunday Morning Political Burp....

Politics...
Will the current Republican "stay the course"..."no cut and run"..."to pullout only emboldens the terrorists", Iraq rhetoric prove effective with the American public? Maybe yes, maybe no...the only thing that might prevent Republicans getting their butts kicked out of Congress this fall is their pathetic Democratic opposition.

As far as the "emboldening the opposition" logic...I've always found that when an adversary gives you a daily ass-kicking it emboldens them even more than say... you pay someone else to kick their ass or...you avoid giving them the opportunity to kick your ass in the first place. Right now Iraq is sort of like NYC if the populace turned on the NYPD. There wouldn't be one police car that wasn't an urban campfire. The administrataion keeps blathering about the positive stories in Iraq but the only one who can find those gleaming nuggets of American success is Tony Snow. The rank and file Iraqi hates us, violence and casualties are on the rise, civil war is happening, the "Green Zone" is now an arrow covered, cirle of wagons surrounded by hordes of hostiles with no John Wayne in sight...and soon the choppers will be circling the emabassy rooftop like in good ol'Saigon...better to make our own travel plans than let some Iraqi travel agent/suicide bomber pick your hotel. We've run-up quite a bar bill in Iraq and now it's time to get the check, leave the minimum tip and get are ass to valet parking and outta there...oh, I guess that qualifies as "cut and run", well...I prefer to call it a strategic, tactical withdrawal. When we get the urge we can always lob a few shells into Fallujah from Kuwait and let Don Rumsfeld's ever strengthening Iraqi army take over the fray.

Oh, I think the Red Sox should consider a similar strategy after dropping three to the Yankees in the most...let me find the right term...self-diminishing fashion.
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Doggin me....

Sports...
The Yankees are appearing at Fenway Park this weekend starting with an exciting day/night doubleheader today. The Sox and Yanks both sport some bad pitching so look for the old green monster's scoreboard to be spinning like a dreidel.

Your momma...
A quick list of reality TV shows that are killing America

Dog the Bounty Hunter - worst hair and styling job on television. The "Dog" looks like a steroid laden, transvetite wrestler, named "Hondo" and his wife appears to be a long lost third Valliant Brother with two giant marshmellows stuffed in his/her shirt. Yikes...

American Idol - didn't Ed McMahon do this show 20 years ago...

America's Got Talent - Chuck Barris did this one as his day job while he worked for the CIA...

Project Runway - for middle-Americans who have tired of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy but still need a horrid fashion fix...

Big Brother - let's hold lying and deceit up as the primary tools of self realization...

Any dancing show...

Road Rules or anything by MTV - youth killing, brain rotting look into the empty vessel that is America's youth...

Ghost Hunters - These dudes never find a damn thing but I am fascinated by night vision equipment...

Rock Star Supernova - well this is my favorite and I watch it religiously so buzz off...
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Zayra, Macaca and Joe

The Supernova band played a tune last night and I must admit the show is far more compelling than their music...Zayra was very appropriately sent home last night, though she fought back heroically with a thrashed out tune and a flash of some ass cheek for the boys...all to no avail...

My man Senator Allen managed to utter a racial slur familiar to a few Virginian trailtrash renowned for frequenting a particular I-95 Seven-Eleven...I believe the phrase is only uttered when the cashier punches out the wrong numbers on your Lotto Quick Picks....Senator Allen you may now officially disembark the Presidential Express...

Wonder if Dick Cheney is going to have Joe Lieberman over to the bunker for barbecue this weekend...please keep all firearms in the gun locker...

Oh...and most importantly, the super Yankees invade Fenway Park this weekend for the penultimate baseball series of the year. Let's home the millionaire New Yorkers are as overconfident as their payroll would justify...
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Losing traction

I think I'm losing mental traction...maybe it's the Sox slowly sinking in the east or overexposure to horrible television...I just can't put my finger on it, but I'm getting a little fuzzy. From that perspective here's some thoughts on the current television landscape...

Funny stuff: Colbert and Stewart are still rocking on Comedy Central. A lot of smart comedic stuff going on there.

No redeeming nutritional value: Anybody see Supernova last night? I gotta hope that the mean singer, Patrice, or the obviously- art-schooled Zayra, or the horribly named, Storm Large, get the boot. Overly-pierced, Dilana, still has the edge with skunk-haired Lukas a close second.

Worcester sucks: My man, Denis Leary (we're from the same hometown) is keeping the fires burning on "Rescue Me". Nasty, cynical, funny plot lines. His roomate is sleeping witha quasi-nun and it's affecting Denis's Catholic beliefs, which he violates himself almost constantly. Downside is that they have a "somebody's gonna die...cliffhanger, season ending episode" thing going...doesn't every show? Good cast and writing. You'd get a better grasp on Mr. Leary's dark humor if you experienced Worcester Mass. up-close and personally like we did.

Iambic pentameter: Deadwood is another well written, character driven deal with the great Ian McShare and his Al Swearengen character dominating the screen. David Milch is a genius writer and creative force (and a horseplayer). Give me "The Searchers" and a Deadwood boxset and I'll need no further human contact.

Disappointment resonates: Entourage
Vince can't act, Jeremy Piven is on-screen way too much (way to kill a good thing) and it looks like they have no idea where this thing is going. Vegas...a roadtrip for cast and crew with no apparent redeeming value for the audience. Losing traction...time to go boys.
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Hair gel, Paris and Fidel

Castro is reported to be up and walking, so if this is not "Weekend at Bernie's V" then Cuba is still Cuba...I hear there are giant largemouth bass in those Cuban lakes...maybe it is time to end the embargo...now let me get this straight...when I fly out on my vacation to Hoboken I will not be able to carry-on my haircare products...a major problem...if I had hair.
Saw where Paris Hilton got bitten by some exotic animal she uses as a fashion accessory...I have to question the little critter's taste...but not his instincts...saw where the Dept. of Homeland Security and the Bush administration recently tried to divert funding for a bomb detection development program for airlines...good timing...Congress nixed them...who's going to win the Supernova deal...me thinks it will be the guy with the skunkish hairdo and gobs of make-up, if only because I don't think the "band" will go for a chick (Delanna) and Tommy Lee might still do the dude...
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This 'Collar" is feeling a little tight....

I wanted to post some light banter on the pathetic Red Sox and Supernova and my missing gallbladder but instead this came out...

Let's get this off my chest or ass or whatever.... propagating a civil war in Iraq is not effectively fighting terror. Getting our troops out of the hellhole in an organized, well planned and intelligent manner is not cowardice. Iraq is one small component of the war on terror (a terror base that did not exist under the Hussein regime...we drew them in like flies to a fetid carcass). Dick Cheney and his boys are going to be selling some swampland and it's called "cut and run" or "he's weak on terror". Why is to oppose this particular war brands you a cowardly- pinko-idealist, prone to emotional outbursts and irrational thought? Maybe just maybe, America has realized that some dipshit, dumbass, lying sack of shit politicians at the behest of some just out of the closet, draft-dodging, pussyboy neo-cons, got us into a conflict over oil, pride and/or arrogance justified by a sumptuous, steaming coil of lies.... that these same intellectually bankrupt, second generation losers, thought this war was going to be a walk-over... a glorious victory and testament to their place in history but...and it's a big "butt", this deal turned into a shit-storm from which there is no victory to be had. When has shear stupidity and incompetence become our standard for performance and a beaming emblem of our patriotism? Let's give Donald Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz and Dick "my achey breakey heart" Cheney an M-16 and get their tired old, lying asses out there in the desert where the real patriots are.

On a related topic... know Joe Lieberman is in trouble when the Republicans start nominating him for sainthood...a Dick Cheney quote: "our adversaries, if you will, in this conflict, and the al Qaeda types--they clearly are betting on the proposition that ultimately they can break the will of the American people in terms of our ability to stay in the fight and complete the task." Mr. Rove your strategy has been revealed....oh, what about the detail that our continued occupation of Iraq (see Iraqui demonstrations this week) is a catalyst for terrorist activity and unrest... you know civil war...there are other alternatives for allocating our military resources than pissing it away getting our soldiers wacked by unseen IED's to establish a glowing democracy in a country that clearly doesn't want one. We should be securing our ports, forming strong cohesive alliances with our allies and honing our quick-strike military capabilities, taking the action to terrorists where they live in train (no not Iraq). Oh...and what is an "Al Qaeda type"?

Why is to oppose this particular war brands you a cowardly- pinko-idealist, prone to emotional outbursts and irrational thought? Maybe just maybe, America has realized that some dipshit, dumbass, lying sack of shit politicians at the behest of some just out of the closet, draft-dodging, pussyboy neo-cons, got us into a conflict over oil, pride and/or arrogance justified by a steaming coil of lies.... that these same intellectually bankrupt second generation losers thought this war was going to be a walk-over... a glorious victory and testament to their place in history but...and it's a big "butt", this deal turned inot a shit-storm from which there is no victory to be had. When has shear stupidity and incompetence become our standard for performance and a beaming emblem of our patriotism? Let's give Donald Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz and Dick "my achey breakey heart" Cheney an M-16 and get their tired old, lying asses out there in the desert where the real patriots are.
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Mahmoud Ahmadinejad...getting on my nerves...

This Iranian president is getting on my nerves. CBS sent the oldest reporter they could exhume, Mike Wallace, to interview the guy. He disses Bush, which though appropriate - and way too easy, should be the strict territorial province of Americans. Moud talks trash and causes trouble, he has some terrorist acts on his resume, he needs a butt kicking. Unfortunately, at this point, Mike Wallace can only lift his loafers about 3 inches off the ground , so there isn't going to be alot of potential for ass pummelling there. Maybe in the future some news agency can send Rush Limbaugh over to Tehran for the next interview of the Iranian prez and the Rushster could slip him some of his Viagra or something...
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Condi and G.W. Not on Same Page?

I am now stepping into the shallow end of the political cesspool...Could it be that Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and George "the decider" Bush are actually having a disagreement over Mid-East policy? Could it be that Condi isn't just a Chanel packing, lapdog in the Bush/Cheney kennel club? If this is true, I have new-found respect (albeit not much) for the former Bush mouth-piece. Condi appears to be advocating a move toward actual diplomacy as a vital component in the process of resolving the current conflict, a direct contradiction of traditional Bush administration foreign policy (shock and awe). We all know what happens to members of the Bush cartel who disagree with the G.W. or Dick (see Colin Powell). I predict that Condi will leave the administration to become the Prez or chancellor or whatever the top spot is at Stanford U. sometime after the Congressional elections.
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Loose Connection

On a dial-up connection at the bunker and preparing to head back the the metro NY area. Weekend had its ups and downs.
Ups:
Deadwood
Swap Fliparoo (Darley Test at Saratoga)
Vegetarian Lasagna (who'da thunk it?)
Fine mountain weather


Downs:
Dial-up connection (I'd lose the rest of my hair waiting for a picture to upload)
Entourage
Artie Schiller (Fourstardave Stakes - big favorite - bigger loser)
No golf
Middle-east conflict
Alaskan oil shut-down

I'm Putting You on Notice...

My man, Stephen Colbert, is always pumping out his "Threat Downs","On Notice" and "Wag of the Finger" lists, with an emphasis on the obvious and deadly dangers of bears. Good clean fun. So, I figured since I'm on this list tangent that'd I'd pile on to the grand tradition of Letterman and company and wack the list panata, high and hard.

I'm Putting This Crap on Notice...
Let's start with "So You Think You Can Dance" a show that my wife occasionally watches (guilt by association). Last night a lovely, giant, non-dancing, black girl was voted into the finals at the expense of a vivacious, technically refined dancer of a lighter hue...hmmm...presto, "America Can't Judge Dance", my new show.

Mayor Bloomberg. The good Mayor has chosen to insanely support Con Ed during the recent blackouts in the outer (less importante) burroughs. His Bloomieness also runs his Bloomberg Company like a Nazi war criminal with a dash of slavemaster chucked in (I have my sources). On notice sir!

The Philadelphia Phillies and Baltimore Orioles, two once proud baseball franchises, are now reduced to salary dumping waste pools of unwatchable sports effluvium. Poor fans, poorer management...on notice!

Any giant American tech company that directs my product support phone call to some guy in the jungles of India who wouldn't know a WiFi modem from a bowl of curry...nefarious outsourcing sirs, on notice!

Donald Rumsfeld, who,yesterday, before a Senate Committee, told us once again how well planned and effectively executed the administration's Iraqui war policy has been...do I even have to say it?

Owen Wilson. One more film like "Me You and Dupree" and I'm kicking you to the curb with the likes of Keanu Reeves, Bennifer Affleck and the inimitable Robert Deniro in the Sell-out Hall of Shame" where you will be sentenced to an eternity of watching your latest lame-o film over and over again while lying in the gutter covered with your own excrement...I said it...On Notice!
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Bird-Boy

Saw this story in the Boston Globe, STORY , which combines two of my manly pursuits, Red Sox baseball and bird watching. Unfortunately for the baserunning grackle the Fenway light towers have there own predatory residents (appropriately red-tailed). I found the end of the story in the Herald.

i kinda dig...

Somebody left a comment asking me to do this as a counterpoint to my "sick" post...since someone took the time to comment, I guess I should follow through...though it violates all my basic tendencies, here it goes...

I kinda dig reading the NY Post to the abject disgust of NY Times lovers...
I kinda dig watching my man Big Papi hit one out to win a game an jumping on home plate like a five year old ...
I kinda dig watching the ponies walk out onto the track at Saratoga...
I kinda dig listening to some Starlight Mints while sipping an Izze and vodka....
I kinda dig catchin a big old bass on a floating Rapala....
I kinda dig people-watching in mid-town Manhattan....
I kinda dig watchin old Mickey Rourke movies...you know, before the cheek implants...
I kinda dig a news day with no rockets being fired in the Middle East...
I kinda dig Deadwood....
and most of all I kinda dig writing my "i'm sick of it" list....
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i'm sick of it....

I'm sick of picking three of four in the 7 grand superfecta, but hitting the 8 dollar exacta...
I'm sick of outwardly, overtly oppressive religious mother &*%)#)#kers, drinkin', womanizin' and talkin' trash all the way to the bank...
I'm sick chicken-shit beaurocrats getting us into wars they can't get out of and then handing us the check...
I'm sick of chuncky chicks wearing cellulite-squishing hip huggers squeezing up their double-belly overhang...
I'm sick of remakes of shitty tv shows being made into crappier movies with flavor of the week stars with no talent and less shame...
I'm sick of lard ass, rightwing, pill popping, talk radio hosts acting like they know something and can help me understand the political complexities of their narrowminded, longwinded, intellectually bankrupt points of view...
I'm sick of $3 gas and $10 sandwiches...
I'm sick of checkbook baseball and that overpayrolled piece of fluff called the New York Yankees...
I'm sick of Mike Bloomberg and T.O....
I'm sick of blogs about cats, dogs, kids, mothers, photos of birds, menstrual cycles, personal depression and bladder problems (although gallbladders are fascinating)...
I'm sick of overpriced wine, oversized cars, panthose, tattoos, body piercing and boob jobs...
I'm sick of all things "Rap" and the white kids that listen to it...
and finally... I'm sick of this rant...
out,
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